Six Jobs I’m Qualified for Now that I Have a Toddler

I remember my former life, before kids. I used to go to a building every day. Sit and drink my coffee while turning my computer on and getting ready for my class to arrive. Before that, I was a jet setter. I was in an airport every week in my super awesome work attire with cute, yet comfortable heels… still drinking my coffee and turning on my laptop. That seems like ages ago.

When I think about updating my resume, I wonder what new things I can put under the label of “skills”. What skills have I acquired in the last 3 years that make me relevant in the work place. (These are things I think about while doing laundry or cleaning toilets… glamorous I know!)

Since having a toddler, I feel like I have acquired a whole new set of skills that I never even knew existed. I feel like I can totally qualify for the following six jobs, even with no prior experience.

1. Negotiator
Any mom that has sat in a room desperately trying to get your 2.5 year old to take a nap could qualify for an expert negotiator position.
Me: “If you lie down and go to sleep, we’ll go to the park after you wake up.”
Toddler “Will we have a picnic?
Me: “If you sleep, we’ll go to the park and have a picnic.”
Toddler: “Will there be a tornado slide?”
Me: “If you sleep (for the love of all that is good and holy…said in my head) we will go to the park, have a picnic, and I will find a park that has a tornado slide.”

Toddler: “Will there be cookies?”

I think the negotiations turned out well.. she took a nap and I took her to a park, with a picnic, and cookies. I feel like we both walked away winners!

2. Short-Order Cook

Every morning I make eggs and pancakes. EVERY MORNING! Sure the pancakes are frozen, but that still counts. I can make homemade Mac and Cheese in 6 minutes flat, and my grilled cheese sandwiches are to die for! I’m pretty sure that I could work in any diner!

3. Resident Expert on Everything

“Why is the sky blue? Why is jell-o a liquid and then a solid? Why do we go potty? What kind of bird is that? Who is on that airplane? Mama, can you draw Dumbo for me?” Toddlers are full of questions and they firmly believe that we have the answers to all of them. So I am constantly googling things… how toilets work, why ducks quack… I’ve become great at creating things even though I am the least crafty or creative person ever! I made my daughter’s Minnie Mouse costume for Halloween and I’m not sure I’ve ever been more proud of myself! I don’t know the answers to everything but my toddler doesn’t know that. To her I am the best artist, best singer, smartest person she’s ever known… well right behind her Dad…

4. Children’s Book Editor

I have several (more than 10) children’s books memorized. You know how kids get on kicks and you end up reading the same book 100 times. I feel like everyone who publishes a book should have to sit and read it at least 10 times with a two year old. I’ve made up names for characters in books that had no name. I’ve sat and wondered why one page in a book rhymes but the next page doesn’t (ugh, kill me!). Why is the little girl wearing overalls in this picture, but in the next picture she’s wearing shorts even though they are still in the same location? Do people even look at these books before they are put out on the shelves?

5. Personal Assistant

There should be some sort of training to figure out how to coordinate nap schedules so your kids can have a play date. The first day that both my kids napped at the same time, I thought that I had won the lottery! Figuring out how to fit all the playing, cleaning, cooking, reading, bath time, nap time, eating… oh and don’t forget my actual job, all in one day requires a miracle worker. I dress everyone, feed everyone, clean things (sometimes), come up with menus… and every once in a while drink a full cup of coffee. I don’t think even the President has that much stuff to do in one day.

6. Secret Agent

You all know the scenario… you’re in the kitchen eating the last piece of the amazing chocolate cake that everyone enjoyed over the weekend. You, however, did not get to enjoy any because you were busy feeding a baby or sitting in the bathroom with your potty training toddler. You think you’re totally alone. The lights are off in the kitchen. The kids are happily playing in their room (or more likely watching Mickey Mouse Clubhouse on TV). You’re about to get that first bite to your mouth when you hear a little voice … “mama, what are you eating?” Busted! … Since having a toddler I have become amazing at hiding the fact that I have candy in my mouth, or suddenly going missing so that I can enjoy a moment alone while using the bathroom. I have taken my skills at hiding things, sneaking places, diverting attention, and let’s not forget sneaking vegetables into the most unassuming food possible, to a whole other level. I’m pretty sure the government could contract with me to be a spy somewhere!

I’m sure none of these skills will actually be used past being a mom, but to my toddler I’m a super hero! And that’s the best job of all!