By now it’s no secret to any of us how much of a scam adulthood is. We can go to bed whenever we want, and “whenever we want” tends to be 9:00 p.m. We can eat whatever we want, as long as there is Tums available. We can watch whatever we want on TV, and then be immensely disappointed by 80% of it (Oh hey! Didn’t see you there, Game of Thrones Season Eight!).
Suffice it to say, adulthood wasn’t quite everything we hyped it up to be. There are certainly some parts of this grownup life that I would gladly swap out with childhood. It took becoming adults to appreciate just how awesome being a kid truly was. (For what other reason would we be so excited to watch DuckTales again on Disney+?)
Life is like an aeroplane, here in Duckburg…
So instead of adulting my way through a typical day, I thought it would be fun to imagine tackling a day like one of my kids would:
5:30 a.m. – Wake up and trudge to the kitchen. Eat something sugary. Preferably three donuts.
5:50 a.m. – Shower and put on clothes that are wholly inappropriate for the weather because my cold weather clothes are itchy. I don’t care if it is 30 degrees outside. If I get sick, somebody will take care of me. That’s none of my concern.
6:30 a.m. – Pack my lunch: a cupcake, a box of Hot Tamales, five slices of bacon (for protein!), fruit snacks (for fruit–duh!), and a can of Sprite.
6:50 a.m. – Commute to work. Sing and dance to every song on the radio.
7:45 a.m. – Arrive at work. Put my lunch in the break room fridge. Notice someone else’s even more delicious-looking lunch and begin plotting how I’m going to have their lunch in addition to mine.
8:00 a.m. – 8:30 a.m – Play games on my phone.
8:30 a.m. – 9:00 a.m. – Check my emails. See an email from the opposing counsel I don’t like. Immediately delete it without reading.
9:00 a.m. – 10:00 a.m. – Raid my coworkers’ candy bowls.
10:00 a.m. – 11:00 a.m. – Watch videos on YouTube during the meeting that could have been an e-mail.
11:00 a.m. – 12:00 p.m. – Ask my boss if we can order pizza for lunch. When he says no, ask him if we can go get Chinese food then. Stare at my files and consider reviewing them. Decide to doodle on all my scratch pads instead.
12:00 p.m. – 1:00 p.m. – Eat my lunch, then go ask my coworker with the better lunch if I can have some of theirs.
1:00 p.m. – 2:00 p.m. – Take a nap (on accident, of course, because I’m totally not sleepy).
2:00 p.m. – 3:00 p.m. – Return phone calls while playing games on my phone. Tell everyone to hurry up and finish talking because they’re keeping me from being able to concentrate on my games.
3:00 p.m. – 4:00 p.m. – Ask my boss if we can get ice cream. When he says no, ask him if we can get cookies then. Attempt to review files. Give up after getting bored and coming across too many words I don’t understand.
4:00 p.m. – 5:00 p.m. – Play more games on my phone.
5:00 p.m. – 5:30 p.m. – Drive home. Sing and dance along with all the songs on the radio.
5:30 p.m. – Arrive home. Immediately change into pajamas, then sit in front of the TV and wait for someone to tell me dinner is ready.
6:30 p.m. – Eat dinner. Then dessert. Which may or may not be the same meal.
7:00 p.m. – 12:00 a.m. – Watch TV while eating more candy.
12:00 a.m. – Go to bed (when I’m done playing games on my phone).
Okay, so kid-adulting is probably not a sustainable practice. Cut me a little slack; letting my imagination run wild is pretty much the only kid-thing I can still do.