This post is part of our True Life series where OKC moms are sharing real trials & tribulations they have gone through as mothers, as wives, and as women.
As I’m sitting here, waiting for the words to come, I’m simply pondering my life. I have a phenomenal group of family and friends who support me at every turn. I am blessed with two amazing, healthy children and a husband who is present, loving and a hard worker for our family. We live in a beautiful home, surrounded by the best neighbors you could ask for and pretty much, my life rocks.
So, why can’t I feel happiness?
There are moments in each day that should bring me joy beyond my dreams. My children come home from school and they want to tell me about their day, about the funniest thing that has happened. Yet, I have to force myself to be present, to be focused on them, to laugh and to imagine myself in their shoes. When I go out with my girlfriends, I should feel the peace that comes with eating a meal without tiny hands or a voice that says, “I need to go potty!” the moment my food hits the table. I want to laugh when my husband tells corny jokes and soak in the beauty of my life.
But instead of feeling joy, peace, finding the humor in situations, feeling like I’m involved, I don’t. I feel, quite honestly, nothing.
I’m still physically present in all those situations. I can laugh, be silly, and talk like I’m enjoying those moments. In fact, I doubt anyone would be able to know that I feel empty inside. But I do. In my head I’m telling myself to be there, to be present, to snap out of this “funk” that has set in.
If I could trace it back to when it all began, it might have started when my best friend moved away. Or it could have been when the realization hit me that I no longer have a baby at home, that my youngest is now 3 and wants to be very independent. It could be that I was no longer getting any “mommy time” and instead almost every second of my day was consumed with taking care of and putting my children first. It could be that I let my daily tasks get in the way of my commitment to quiet time and growing deeper in my faith. There are so many things that it could have been and yet maybe all of those grouped together zapped me of my energy for life, my zeal for living in the moment.
If I could, I would snap out of this in a heartbeat. I would smile and mean it, I would laugh whole-heartedly and enjoy the moment, I would relish every second of every day because I know that I am blessed. Instead, I put it off because…well, because tomorrow is another day. I’ll try again tomorrow. I’ll start taking the vitamins my OB/GYN recommended that are supposed to help or I’ll finally call that friend and unload my heart. But until I work up the courage, I’ll just keep on trying. Because, tomorrow is another day.
Another day closer to happiness.