The Pressure Starts In Pre-School.

One of my favorite things about my five-year-old daughter is her ability to block out the pressures of the world. Part of it is the age. At five, she has had limited exposure to peer groups. So although she is exposed to the opinions of her friends, her father and I are still able to be the dominant voices in her ear.

One of the best illustrations of my daughter’s wherewithal occurred recently during bike and trike day at school. Avery is not a confident bike-rider. She did one lap around the track and half fell off her bike, after which I assumed she would spend the remainder of the event at the snack table. Instead, Avery got back on her bike and pedaled at a snail’s speed around the track for the remainder of the hour. At times, 5-8 petite bike-riders would be lined up behind her, her slow pace causing a preschool traffic jam. But she was oblivious and determinedly kept pedaling, all the while a grin plastered on her face. I was prouder of those slow, slow laps around the track than I would have been if she was the fastest rider.

As effective as Avery is as listening to her own voice, I have already seen signs of the outside world imprinting on my young daughter. Recently, when discussing an outfit choice, Avery rejected an outfit because she was afraid the other kids would make fun of it. Although she said it fairly casually without any deep-seeded anxiety, I felt sucker-punched. Every instinct inside me cried out to grab her, hug her tightly, and extol upon her virtues, her utter perfection in my eyes. Fortunately, my calm, practical mom voice overruled my panicky, emotional mom voice.

That incident, however, has raised the following question in my mind: how do I safeguard and prepare my young child for dealing with peer pressure? For me, I think that all strategies can be boiled down to two overarching points.

Make the family the cornerstone of your child’s life. When our children are babies and toddlers it is effortless to make ourselves the center of their universes. And then the world creeps in. There are play dates and soccer games to attend, and as parents, as our children get older, we start to reclaim a life of our own, increasing our own obligations. But we have to find ways to make our family unit the foundation to which we return day in and day out. For my family, we do this in numerous ways throughout the day, and most of it boils down to routine. We have guaranteed time we spend together each day – on the way home from school, at lunch, playtime at home, and dinner as a family most nights. This gives me the chance to remain the voice in her ear. Which leads me to . . .

Talk to your kid. This sounds simple, but can be a challenge. I get mostly single word responses to the question “what did you do at school today?” Push further. I try to make sure I have enough information about her school day to ask specific questions like “what did you do at art table today?” or “what book did you read during circle time?” When I sense any kind of turmoil, I ask more probing questions like “did anything make you sad at school today?” or “what made you happy?” These questions do not always start conversations or yield lengthy responses, but they (1) let her know I am interested and (2) plant the seed in her mind. Sometimes, a story about school comes out hours later. Hopefully, I am creating the pattern now of talking things out with my daughter so that, as the issues grow harder and more important, she is in the habit of turning to me.

For me, these are the keys. Time and interest. Hopefully these strategies will put her family at the root of any problems she may encounter. I know that my days of hearing. “Mommy, you are my very, very best of all my friends” are numbered, so I am doing my best to make these days count.