While sitting in the car line waiting for my three precious babies to get out of school, a song came over the radio that immediately broke my heart.
It made me think of you.
Everything inside of me started to hurt and the pain and grief completely engulfed me in an instant.
This song came out right after you were born, and then died so suddenly four days later.
This song has the ability to transport my heart, mind, and soul right back to those devastating days filled with so much sadness, pain, and grief.
You died at four days old almost ten years ago but, when triggered, the pain seems just as debilitating as it did in those first days.
Time does not heal all wounds and this pain and sadness is as real today as it was ten years ago.
It does not matter how long ago losing you was because I have come to the conclusion that this pain will NEVER stop hurting.
It is a gigantic hole in my heart that will never be filled and my mind will always wonder how my life would be with you in it.
Your life was so short but will impact me for the rest of my days.
I will NEVER stop hurting knowing I only had four days to be your mommy on this Earth.
I will NEVER be able to look at your siblings without having this longing for you to be here and in our lives.
I will NEVER stop hurting from losing you.
After ten years, you would think that I would have a better grasp on the loss of my sweet William and all the grief and emotions surrounding his death.
But I do not. And in all honesty, I probably never will, and I am okay with that.
I will think of him every day.
I will have triggers that will make me lose all control over my body and emotions for the rest of my life like I did with that song in the car line at school.
I will NEVER stop grieving for him.
This is a pain so many parents know all too well and if you do know someone who has lost a child please give them some grace and allow them to grieve their loss no matter how long ago it was.
Nothing and I mean nothing can replace this pain or lessen it for any parent.
It is a scar that us bereaved parents will have forever.
It changed my life in almost every aspect immediately and once a human has gone through such a traumatic event it is impossible to go back to the way you were before.
I do my best every day to use this pain to see more beauty in my world.
I will carry this hurt with me and try to use it to be a more compassionate and loving person.
With that being said, I will also have days like today where I cannot fight the tears and intense grief when that song comes on the radio.
I will allow myself to hurt and feel all of these emotions because they are all that I have left of you.
Losing you my sweet William will NEVER STOP HURTING.
Have you experienced an infant loss/childs death?
Do you have triggers that take you back?
How do you cope with your loss?