“He sees you when you’re sleeping. He knows when you’re awake. He knows if you’ve been bad or good, so be good for goodness’ sake!”
If ever there were words to straighten up a child’s errant behavior in December, you’re sure to find them in the song “Santa Claus is Coming to Town.” They aren’t words that strike fear in the heart of a child, but they certainly encourage good behavior, don’t they? During the busy holiday season, many a parent takes advantage of Santa’s list as a motivation for keeping their children’s behavior in check. In years past, I have been one of those parents, and I see no shame in it. A mama’s got to do what a mama’s got to do! We all know this.
Something changed for us a couple of months ago though–something that seemed worth sharing. It began when one of our younger sons did not heed the call of nature and accidentally wet his pants after playing too long with his brothers. What is it about kids sitting on a potty that spurs their deep thoughts and conversations? Or is it just my kids? In any regard, my son was seated on the potty with wet pants, and as I came in with clean clothes he sighed with resignation. “Well,” he said, “Santa’s probably not going to be coming for me this year.”
His statement surprised me. It wasn’t the holiday season yet, and we hadn’t been discussing Santa. “Why would Santa not be coming for you?” I asked.
His voice was a melancholy mixture of acceptance, wistfulness, and regret. “I’ve peed in my pants a lot this year. And I haven’t always been nice to you.” There was something about the way he conveyed this self-imposed consequence that was painful to hear. This wasn’t a cry for reassurance; it was an enumeration of his shortcomings and the very real belief that his small mistakes were somehow bigger than he was. In short, my four-year-old believed he was a failure.
Cue the feeling of my heart breaking into a hundred shards.
That night as we sat there in the bathroom, I assured my son that he is a good boy. The truth is, he is a well-behaved gentleman with a helper’s heart, the kind of child who is certain to make the ‘nice’ list despite his occasional short temper and failure to get to the john on time.
The whole thing got me thinking about the entire idea of the naughty and nice lists. It always seemed innocent enough in our family, and a fun way to motivate our kids to be their best selves in an otherwise chaotic month. My husband and I don’t lord the idea of Santa’s retribution over our children, and we parents all know that Santa’s naughty and nice lists are a bluff anyway. Who’s really going to put coal in their kid’s stocking?
The trouble was, my kid was doubting his own goodness and judging himself to be substandard for a gift from Santa. This, to me, was unacceptable. My husband agreed. We decided as a couple that night that the blueprint for Santa would change in our family.
The next day, we gathered our kids and did our best to re-explain the Santa concept to them. Together we explained (lied) that Santa does keep an eye on our children, but it is because he loves them–not because he is looking for reasons to not reward them. We told them that Santa loves all children, and that he will deliver our children presents every year, even though they will continue to make mistakes. That’s part of being human, after all. Perhaps most importantly, we told them that Santa looks for them to do exactly as we look for them to do, which is to always try, try, try their hardest. We expect our four boys to always try. Santa, we said, appreciates the same.
I feel a little better with this new understanding in place. Whether you celebrate Christmas, teach your children to believe in Santa, or use Santa as a behavior motivator for your children is entirely your business, and you have every right to make each of those decisions without judgment. The game-changer of our story was a sad little boy.
Tweaking the story to take the ‘if’ out of Santa seemed like it would help at least one of our children, thereby helping us all to enjoy the holidays a little more. Even though he knows if we’ve “been bad or good,” I think I prefer the Santa caricature from Twas the Night Before Christmas: “A wink of his eye and a twist of his head/Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread.”
