After my second daughter was born, I was a mess. Emotionally and physically. I kept it a secret, of course. Rarely would I let anybody catch a glimpse that I was having a hard time adjusting to life with two kids. In my mind, motherhood was supposed to be easy. Or at least easier than it felt at the time. I could put on a smile and mask my frustration, confusion, and exhaustion pretty well. Until I couldn’t hold it all in anymore. Then I’d breakdown. It was ugly.
My poor husband. I can’t even recall how many times he came home from work to find me hiding in our closet. Crying hysterically. It was the ugly cry. Sobbing, and barely able to breathe.
Nothing he said could make me feel better. I was somehow feeling like a failure. I couldn’t keep our home picked up. I couldn’t keep up with the laundry. I could barely find time to shower. I couldn’t figure out how to parent my 3-year-old and her new sudden defiance. It even took several weeks (maybe even months) for me to muster up the courage to take them out to run errands by myself. (Besides school drop off for the oldest.) I’d pull it together and start the cycle over. A few days later, I’d breakdown again. It was a scary and lonely feeling.
Do you feel this way? If so, you are not alone. Please believe me when I say that. I know it feels that way, I remember. But, I promise, there are lots of moms out there, right this second, that feel the same way that you do. The way that I did.
Watching my husband play, laugh, and have fun with my kids was like torture because I couldn’t be genuinely happy like that. Don’t get me wrong, I loved my girls, and spending time with them, but something was not right. I can’t remember what triggered it, but I called my OB/GYN to talk about my depression. Our plan of action was to try a new birth control for a few weeks. It helped. But it took 3 or 4 attempts at different birth controls before my hormones leveled out and finally felt like my old self. What a WONDERFUL feeling!
Don’t be ashamed or embarrassed for not being able to snap out of it. It’s not that simple. I get it. Talk to your doctor, your friends, your family. Talk about it and figure out what you need to get back to being you. Maybe it’s new birth control? Maybe it’s other medication? Either way, you deserve to be happy and enjoy this season of life.
Good luck momma. You can do it. And remember, you are not alone.