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Office Gossip: My New Coworker

Like many parents around the world, we are now doing our jobs from home, taking care of kids, homeschooling, keeping up with household chores, and trying to keep our cool. I haven’t had a typical ‘office job’ in nearly a decade, so working at home isn’t new territory for me. But the circumstances in which I am working now are new.

I work in a small office. Just me and two other full-time workers. They’re pretty cool, but super annoying when anyone comes to deliver a package. Like I’m legit concerned by their level of intensity. It’s just a delivery truck ya’ll, chill! They sleep on the office couch pretty regularly, which is against office policy but always seem to get away with it. 

When I first started working here, it was just me and my assistant. She provided moral support on tough days, was a good companion, and we even went on lunch-time walks together. It was pretty quiet around the office, but I got used to it. When we relocated, another coworker joined the team. She was young and inexperienced but had a lot of curiosity and willingness to learn. I worked with her during the initial onboarding, teaching her the basics and showing her the bathroom, where to sit, and the general office rules. My assistant took the new girl under her wing and taught her everything she knows. They became really close, and it was cool to see my assistant grow into a leadership role.

I have new coworkers, and the office dynamic is changing. 

My typical day started by waking up early, working out, showering, eating breakfast and then the short morning commute. Once I was at the office, I could get a lot of work done in a short amount of time if I stayed focused.

Now, I’m working in shorter intervals and often get distracted. In the past month, my workplace has become significantly more nuts since my newest coworker started. She’s supposed to be full-time, but she’s gone through lunch twice a week. She says she’s with someone called ‘daddy.’ I don’t ask questions, not my business. Sometimes I find her in the breakroom sleeping on the couch. It makes me wonder what kind of shenanigans she’s been up to. I asked her about it once; she told me something about flying, seeing a worm and coloring. Sounds like a wild time! 

Whenever we’re in a meeting, she frequently asserts herself and claims ‘she’s in charge.’ She has a dominant personality. Leadership qualities, I suppose. We eat at the office together every day since budget cuts. On nice days we have a picnic. I’m a little weirded out by some of her eating habits, though. Like at lunch today she drank shredded cheese from a bowl just like you would milk after you eat all the cereal. I do enjoy talking to her though, she has the most entertaining stories!

Here are some of the other outrageous things my coworker does. 

She gets unreasonably upset if the wrong kind of cheese is in the office fridge. I guess it was a tough day. 

My coworker farts all day, and when I confront her about it she claims it wasn’t a fart; it was just noise from her butt. 

My coworker deliberately creates a mess and tells me ‘just don’t worry about it.’ 

She claims to be WonderWoman, Elsa, Anna, Batgirl, Captain Marvel and a variety of other characters. 

She considers throwing trash away, but after contemplating the distance to the trashcan, decides it’s too far and chucks the empty snack bag on the ground. 

My coworker keeps hovering over my shoulder and yelling ‘I WANT TO TYPE!’

I’m in the middle of a call and she informs me that the four snack options I prepared for her are not sufficient, she needs a different type of snack. 

But it’s all ok – she’s got a strong work ethic. 

At the end of the day, she’s so loving and sweet. She’s always looking out for others. I admire her confidence, curiosity, compassion, and creativity. In case you haven’t figured it out, my coworkers are my two dogs and 3-year-old. I also now have a husband coworker, but he currently prepares the meals so I have no complaints.

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