I am going to be completely honest here—I NEVER wanted, nor intended, to get married…EVER!
It simply just was not important to me.
I truly felt it was a piece of paper used to validate ones relationship, and when all is said and done, it is still just a piece of paper.
If a man truly loved me—he would ultimately be with me.
Then, 2008 happened.
I was happily living with my boyfriend, expecting our first baby while warding off his mother’s pleas that we get married.
It seriously bothered her that we were not married, and it gave me all the more reason to stick to my guns and refuse the whole matrimony shenanigans.
Then in November, our son was born, six weeks premature. Due to a blood clotting disorder, he was deprived of oxygen inside my uterus and ultimately passed away at just four days old.
After going through such a traumatic experience, while only having each other to emotionally relate to… it was like we had this conscious awakening together.
We knew we were forever changed and the world around us would never be the same.
After losing our son, I could think of nothing I wanted more than to marry my now husband.
We got married the following May and we will celebrate nine years of marriage this year.
Even starting out with such a strong emotional bond, we still struggle in our marriage.
Marriage is tough, and anyone who has tried it will hopefully not lie to you.
IT’S SUPER-DUPER-DUPER TOUGH.
I love my husband with every inch of my being, but that absolutely does not mean that I have to necessarily like him every day for the rest of our lives.
It seems to go in a three-to-six month cycle for us.
I feel like we are on this constant marriage-go-round… we go from being happy and in love, getting along great, to slowly detaching ourselves emotionally from one another and having small miscommunications that lead to a major blow-up. Then we separate, regroup, talk it over, and are back to being friends again.
After talking to other moms around my age, it is a noticeable trend in marriage. Obviously no two marriages are the same and while the time lengths and arguments differ the spinning around, the SAME FIGHTS over and over again is definitely a thing.
Also, you have to take into consideration that no two people are raised the same. This has been very evident in my marriage and is a major source of turmoil. Once I looked at this fact, it really helped me change my mindset on a lot of things.
I was raised by a wild, very opinionated, outspoken hippie who was brutally honest and super nurturing.
He was raised by extremely quiet, reserved, emotionally detached, conservative Methodists.
Obviously we were going to clash somewhere down the line…
I made sure we had the talk before birthing children that I fully expected a 50/50 parenting partnership, and while he did agree he just subconsciously reverts to the way that he was raised.
Dad goes to work, handles the finances, and automobiles – Mom takes care of EVERYTHING ELSE.
We continually have the same arguments because of this.
Around and around, and back around again.
And don’t get me wrong, I am no saint in this situation.
I constantly build up these unattainable expectations of how I want things to be in my head, never actually verbalize them, and wind up feeling resentful and disappointed.
He has no idea what is making me upset because I do not say it, and then he gets frustrated and puts a defense up.
All I can say is communication is KEY.
Fighting is technically still communicating…we aren’t quite as passionate as we were in our 20s, but we are both stubborn to a fault. We fight. We make-up.
Like any relationship in your life, marriage will have its ups and downs. The ups are amazing and the downs have you googling divorce lawyers at two in the morning.
Just know—you are not alone.
NO MARRIAGE IS PERFECT ALL OF THE TIME.
After each argument or disagreement, we have been fortunate to find our way back to the fun part of the merry-go-round. It is not always easy, but it is absolutely worth it for our marriage and for our kids.
I may not like him every day but I do truly love him and this chaotic life we have built together.
We really are just along for the ride trying to grow and parent to the best of our abilities together. So no matter how wildly out of control this merry-go-round is spinning… I am going to hang on for dear life and hope he is doing the same.
Do you feel like you are in a marriage merry-go-round?
Do you and your spouse have the SAME FIGHT over and over again?