Pregnant.
The test said pregnant.
All at once, I felt hollow…not because I was devastated, but because I was in shock.
We already have a baby. A beautiful baby girl who is still a baby. She needs me, every minute of every day, regardless of how her independence grows. She needs me to feed her, clean her, protect her, cuddle her…
And now, I have you too, sweet little baby.
And I don’t know how I’m going to do it.
I don’t know how I’m going to give your sister her “babyhood” and not push her to grow too quickly so that I can tend to you. I don’t know how I’m going to give you all the love and attention you need when a busy toddler needs my attention and direction too. Goodness, I don’t even know how we’re going to go grocery shopping!
But mostly, I don’t know how my heart is going to expand to hold all my love for both of you, two entirely different little beings, when it’s already filled to the brim with this incredible love for your sister.
But I know it will. I know it will cherish all that you are, little one.
Because I already love you, baby. I want you safe, to grow big and strong, to hold you in my arms and hear you cry as you join this exciting, new world. I want you to meet your big sister and fall in love with her, because I know she’ll be in love with you.
I want to wake up to feed you in the middle of the night, knowing all too soon I’ll have to be up and ready to play with your big sister. I want to struggle getting two munchkins in and out of the car in the dead of winter. I want to deal with meltdowns in the middle of Walmart when you two are having a rough day of it. I want to break up bickering in the backseat because you both want to play with the same toy. I want to change double the diapers, clean all the bottles, and deal with all the tears.
All of that means that I get to deal with double the laughter, double the adventure, and double the love, too.
And I want you, baby. Oh, how I want you.
So, even though Momma doesn’t know what she’s doing or going to do, even though Momma isn’t perfect and will make mistakes, and even though Momma is completely overwhelmed right now…we can do this.
We will do this.
And there will be room in my heart for you, sweet baby. Plenty of room.
