Finding Hope after Multiple Miscarriages

I always thought my first year of marriage would be the happiest time in my life. In many ways, it was. I married my sweetheart, I was a new business owner, and we were searching for our dream home. On the outside, things were perfect. On the inside, my husband and I were suffering multiple miscarriages, one after the other. 

I will never forget the first time I knew I was pregnant. After six short months of marriage, I took that first test. When the second pink line appeared, I burst into tears of joy. 

We were going to have a baby!

My husband could barely get his foot in the door before I told him the good news. It is still painful to think about how happy we were. I started to research all things baby. I downloaded five pregnancy applications on my phone, including one strictly dedicated to names.  

Even though it was so early, we hastily shared our pregnancy with my mom. I also called my best friend who lives 1000 miles away. I just had to tell her the good news. We could not contain the love and happiness we felt for our unborn child.

We were going to have a baby!

That is until, we weren’t.

Three days later, my stomach began to hurt. I knew something was wrong. That night the pain got worse. Soon after, the pink line disappeared.

We were no longer having a baby.

The physical pain was no match for the ache I felt in my heart. Having to tell my best friend that we had lost our baby was hard. Breaking the news to my mom was even worse. I couldn’t stop crying, I wanted our baby.

Eventually we decided to try again, both longing for a child. I became pregnant for the second time in just a few months. 

We were going to have a baby!

This time, it looked promising. My levels were rising. I was seven weeks along. Baby applications were restored on my phone. Names were discussed. On Easter morning, my husband and I were walking our favorite trail in Arizona when I felt that old familiar pain. It couldn’t be, I thought. These kind of things don’t happen twice. Unfortunately, the pain got worse. 

We were no longer having a baby.

To add insult to injury, this miscarriage lasted weeks. After several doctors visits, it was eventually ruled ectopic. I was poked and prodded. I had to have my blood drawn 12 times. The physical pain was excruciating, the pain in my heart was worse.

Fertility specialists were called. Tests were run. Promises were made. This next time, it would work. Third time’s the charm. I was on my second round of fertility drugs when we became pregnant again. 

We were going to have a baby!

I was in the middle of packing boxes to move into our new home when I got the call from my doctor. My levels were low. Not again. Why was this happening to us? I slumped to the floor of my old bedroom, crying harder than I ever knew possible. How was I going to tell my husband? I didn’t think I would ever survive this pain. How was I going to break it to friends and family that once again…

We were no longer having a baby.

After that third miscarriage, I entered a dark place. Here I was, happily married. Here I was, living in my dream home. Here I was. Three pregnancies, no baby. 

What I didn’t mention earlier, was that during this year my husband and I also decided to open our home to foster care. My sister had fostered. We knew the need and it had always been on our hearts. One month after my third miscarriage ended, a little girl came bouncing through our door.

I’m not about to tell you that everyone suffering loss or infertility should foster. That is not my intention at all. Fostering hasn’t replaced my wanting to give birth. I am still praying for that miracle. 

What I will say is this. I am not for certain that we would have followed through with fostering if one of my pregnancies would have stuck. I honestly don’t know. We always wanted both, but sometimes life has a different plan. Now, months later, that same little girl is sleeping soundly in her bed in our dream home. 

It sounds so cliche, but I love her more than I ever knew I could. I thank God everyday that we said yes to her. I try to cherish every moment possible, knowing it might not last forever. There is a very real chance that by the time this blog is published, she will be gone. The reality of our situation brings me to my knees, but she is so worth the fight. By helping our little girl and her family, she has helped heal my broken heart. I am so thankful that for today, I am her mommy. Now and forever, no matter where her story takes her, she will always be my baby. 

 

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One Response to Finding Hope after Multiple Miscarriages

  1. Michelle September 6, 2018 at 6:49 pm #

    Beautifully written. You are one tough lady, and I’m fortunate to call you friend and, I believe, now family! Love you and Danny, and that ornery bouncy little girl. ♥️

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