After a hot summer day out running errands, my daughter, Lyla, and I walked through our front door. Her three year old self bounded cheerfully down the hall from the entryway to the kitchen, where she excitedly waited for me to join her to fulfill my promise of making snow cones. I followed behind with arms full of bags, hands full of sippy cup and keys, as I tried not to trip over our enthusiastic puppy welcoming committee.
As I began unloading groceries, I asked Lyla to wait before getting out our snow cone syrup because the bottles were too heavy for her to carry. Moments later, I turned to see the aforementioned bottle of syrup slipping out of her hands, as it crashed and broke onto the floor. Bright red, sticky Pinterest inspired syrup coated our kitchen tile.
I immediately sighed loudly, rolled my eyes, and began to go on and on about how I had asked her to wait – how I had told her it was too heavy for her. She stood silently and listened until finally, with sad eyes, she looked up at me and said, “I’m sorry, Mama. Please don’t be upset that I made a mistake. I was just trying to help you.” Boom. Her excitement had been drained, and I instantly feel like the smallest person in the world.
In our house, our goal as parents is to avoid shame, guilt, and punishment in favor of talking through feelings and behaviors, teaching alternatives, and allowing natural consequences. However, no matter what parenting style a mom or dad subscribes to, I think it’s safe to assume most of us have unintentionally operated outside of what we would consider an “ideal responses” to our children in moments of exhaustion or frustration. I have overreacted. I have treated accidents as if they were blatant acts of defiance. I have expected too much. I have shown disappointment and frustration to my three year old because she sometimes has the nerve to…act like a three year old. And, spoiler alert, I probably will again.
The wonderful thing about children is that children are the most forgiving people in the world. They love unapologetically and without limit, but with that Big Love comes the capacity to feel Big Shame, Big Guilt, and Big Frustration. In most instances, meltdowns and tantrums are caused by Big Feelings in little bodies without the means to express them. Knowing that my adult self doesn’t “keep it together” 100% of the time, how can I hold my 3 year old to a higher standard?
In the moments where I “lose it” and peaceful parenting goes out the window, I realize how badly I, as a mother, need grace. Not only should I offer it freely to my daughter, but I have to extend it to myself, let’s be honest, on a daily basis. These moments provide me with the opportunity to let my children know that even mamas make mistakes. They allow me to model a sincere apology. This doesn’t undermine me as a parent, but instead shows my child that everyone’s feelings matter and should be respected. I can look into her big blue eyes, and let her know that I understand accidents happen. I can continue to parent her by gently explaining that I only want to keep her safe. I can show humility, and let her know that even though I am a grown up, I still sometimes make the wrong choices. And I can ask for a hug and her forgiveness, which she freely gives.
Mama mistakes are inevitable. Overreacting happens. Sometimes nap time never comes, and exhaustion sets in. No matter how many books or articles I read, which online parenting groups I join, or how achingly I love my children, I will miss the mark. The best thing I can do is treat each mistake as an opportunity, so that no matter what side of an apology my daughter is on, her understanding of grace, humility and forgiveness only grows.
How do you handle “mama mistakes”? How do you need to start showing yourself some grace?
Becky thanks for sharing your moment with us. Sometimes these “teachable moments” are hard to swallow. But fortunately for us, God uses these drama filled moments as “pivot points” to help us become more like him. Thank you for sharing your moment with us.