Time to get real honest folks. I am a 30 year old stay-at-home mom of 2 hoodlums. I felt like I was an asset in the workforce while I was there, I worked hard and could catch on to things very quickly. But now we are going on 5 years since my last full time job and no one even cares what I did pre-kids. I’m pretty sure most of my mom friends don’t even know what I got a degree in (BUSINESS you uncaring friends of mine! Talk investments to me, Mark Cuban *swoon*) and I couldn’t even tell you the last time I used any smidgen of my higher education. I don’t think my parents, or anyone that knew me my entire life, were surprised when I got married during college. I’ve always loved school and learning, but I’ve always loved love, too.
I don’t want to say that my college degree has been a waste because maybe someday I will dust it off and use it, but I got to thinking what the degree track for wife-ing/mom-ing would look like, and what classes would have adequately prepared me for the actual course my life has taken. I think it would have looked something like this:
A Bachelor’s Degree in Wife-ing and Mom-ing:
- Freshman year, Focus: Marriage
- Fall Semester
- Intro to Marriage: Becoming a responsible adult while living in a fog of infatuation
- Co-habitating with an Adult Male: (*Will also accept the course Co-habitating with a really cute zoo animal)
- Becoming a Rockstar Wife: How to be everything you’ve seen on movies and such while maintaining a positive attitude
- Putting Out When You’re Not 100% Into It: Tools and tricks
- Spring Semester
- Intro to Finding Couple Friends: How to choose friends with non-annoying spouses
- Buying a House: How to gather up 2,934 random documents and sign your name 53 times in one sitting
- Intro to Home Decor With a Spouse: Tips for hiding his weird stuff and basically doing whatever you want and getting away with it
- Holidays With In-laws: Setting yourself up for success in the most awkward of circumstances
- Fall Semester
- Sophomore year, Focus: Pregnancy
- Fall Semester
- Positive Test: What to do next after the swearing and initial shock
- Fundamentals of Surviving With an Incredibly Heightened Gag Reflex
- Pregnancy Nutrition: The food pyramid your baby wants you to follow
- Putting Out During the One Hour Window You Aren’t Sick or Sleepy
- Spring Semester
- Basic Pressures of Being in Charge of a Small Human: The decisions you make even before birth
- Anatomy and Evolution of Your Girl Bits: An in-depth journey of before pregnancy, during pregnancy, and after birth (*explicit)
- Cataloging Unsolicited Mom Advice
- Birth: the Truths, the Lies, the Untold
- Fall Semester
- Junior year, Focus: Motherhood Year One
- Fall Semester
- Breastfeeding: Nourishing Your Child While Delirious (*course only offered at 3am, please note: if you miss even one class your baby starves and you fail.)
- Blowout Prep: How to assess, approach, and implement a plan of action
- 6 weeks Postpartum: A Reluctant Return to the Game
- Losing Yourself in Motherhood: A course in cold food, loss of hobbies, and friends who no longer call
- Spring Semester
- Mommy Fitness: Letting go of your old abs, embracing your new bladder
- Pros and Cons of Online Forums: Lessons in mommy groups
- Intro to Finding “Family” Friends: How to choose friends with non-annoying spouses, similar parenting styles, and decently mannered children
- Grieving Freedom: A course in letting go of leisure time, vacationing, and sleeping in
- Fall Semester
- Senior year, Focus: Toddlers
- Fall Semester
- Public Tantrums: Strategies to survive and not be blacklisted from retail locations
- Advanced Home Decor: Interior design with an emphasis on incorporating large plastic
toysaccents - Worst Case Scenario: A study of all possible dangers you could have never imagined but your toddler may encounter
- Psychology of the Mom Brain: Why we desire to have more children despite exhaustion, annoyance, and a lack of resources
- Spring Semester
- Surviving Potty Training: Lessons in patience and self-control pertaining to alcohol prior to 5pm
- Abusive/Unhealthy Relationship Dynamics: Loving someone who bites you repeatedly but kisses it better
- Toddler Related Arithmetic: Discover how a toddler can gain weight while only consuming 1 scrambled egg, 5 grapes, and 3 dum dums per day
- Oops We Did It Again: Mentally preparing for a sibling
- Fall Semester
GRADUATION!!!
I don’t know that anything could have fully prepared me for what my life has become. However, I do think that many of these “classes” would have given me a preview into what to expect. If you are a fellow sufferer of the “Sallie Mae Regrets” from time to time, feel free to add some classes that you would have appreciated in this stage of life. I look forward to seeing what y’all come up with!
This is spot on! Enjoyed the read and laughs!