When I became a mom, I knew it would be no easy task. A few nights with a new baby is enough to convince any mom she may not be as up for the job of motherhood as she thought she was. But as the days, weeks, years roll on, perhaps you, like me, realize you quickly acquire an impressive arsenal of superpowers you never knew existed before you became a mother.
Here are a few mom skills you may not have known were superhero worthy:
1. Superhuman Stealthiness
Before I had kids, I never paid attention to the decibel level at which I completed everyday household chores, but when you have a sleeping child and/or that rare window of time where your child is playing independently, quietness is everything. I’ve done the dishes, laundry, my hair, rearranged furniture, stacked glass casserole dishes and coffee mugs all while making less noise than a navy seal on a covert mission.
2. Elite Level Multitasking
I’m fairly certain all moms, regardless of how many kids she has, engages in high level multitasking on a daily basis. Whether it’s simultaneously holding a baby while cooking dinner and talking on the phone, driving while eating dinner and screaming at the hooligans in the backseat, or peeing while tying a toddler’s shoe, becoming a mom forces us to frequently do more than one thing at a time, no matter how well we try to plan ahead to avoid such instances. When my son was a newborn, I vividly remember one exhausting afternoon where I was caught in a moment of having a screaming baby, realizing I was so hungry I was about to pass out, and needing to relieve my near-exploding breasts. The solution? Bouncing him on my shoulder while eating a sandwich and pumping. And if my foggy memory is correct, I may or may not have also been breaking up a wrestling match between his sisters. If this isn’t the pinnacle of elite level multitasking, I don’t know what is.
3. The Death Glare
Perhaps one of my most favorite superpowers. I’ve frozen three small arguing children in their tracks with a well-timed crazy-look-in-my-eyes death glare. In the few professional sports brawls I’ve witnessed, I’ve yet to see a referee or umpire pull off this stunt.
4. Disguising Dirty Hair
Please tell me I’m not the only mom out there who has frequently gone through a bottle of dry shampoo more quickly than normal shampoo? I could practically kiss the god/goddess who invented this elixir. Pre-kids, I was an every other day hair washer. But any mom knows that routine won’t survive more than your first week at home with a newborn. Tasks like showering and hair-drying are few and far between. After years of perfecting this art, I can now make my hair look date night ready with three days worth of head grease, a curling iron and my hero, dry shampoo.
5. The Whisper Yell
Any mom with a sleeping child and other children old enough to not be sleeping at the same time has employed this superpower. Why? Because much like The Death Glare, sometimes our children need to have the fear of God put into them with minimum noise repercussions. This has also come into play while at the library, church, or other venues where screaming at the top of my lungs at my precious angels isn’t socially acceptable.
6. Supersonic sight and hearing
We’ve all done it. There might be five other kids on the chaotic zoo playground with a red shirt on, but any mom has the uncanny ability to scan and spot their red shirt-wearing tot in a matter of seconds. This superpower also comes with the ability to know your child’s specific “MOOOOOMMMMMYYY” yell in crowded places.
7. The ability to turn off supersonic sight and hearing at a moment’s notice
Perhaps it’s because our mom brains can only take so much stimulation before they shut down altogether, but for now we will call this a superpower.
The other day at the grocery store with my three above mentioned angels in tow, I was casually placing my grocery bags into the school bus cart. You know the cart I’m talking about-the only one capable of holding a gaggle of kids, perhaps staring off into space while giving myself a little mental pat on the back for how abnormally well my kids had behaved on this particular trip, when I noticed the cashier nervously glancing at my cart full of kids and then back at me. It was then that I realized my youngest was standing up in the front part of the cart singing at the top of his lungs while his sisters joined along by chiming in and giggling hysterically. My half-full iced coffee was also toppled over and quickly creating a giant brown puddle beneath the school bus. All of which went entirely undetected by me since I had apparently employed this particular superpower of tuning out situations the rest of the general public may find “disturbing.”
8. Ability to conquer impressive feats on minimal sleep
Every mom knows your kids care approximately not at all how many hours of REM sleep you had the night before. This forces all moms to quickly acquire the ability to entertain, feed, and dress them while maintaining a semi-clean household, work, run errands, you know, be a productive human being, all while functioning on less sleep than Buddy the Elf.
9. We get up and do it all over again tomorrow.
Sometimes the fact that we just get out of bed to take on this craziness again the next day is enough for us to deserve a cape.
While this list is impressive, I will forever be in debt to the supermom who figures out how to forever banish the dreaded 4’oclock slump.
What am I missing? Any other mom superpowers I need to add to my arsenal?
Carry on, super moms!
