*Disclaimer: All of these stories you are about to hear are true. They may not have happened to me or my children but to people I know. If you have not had first hand experience with one of them yet, trust me….you will!
I don’t know about you, but I often live in a state of “Am I really in charge here?! Am I the adult? I have no idea what I’m doing!” And no situation really drives this home for me better than a trip to the doctor’s office with a child who ends up having some weird condition that although gross to me, seems very common even though I have NEVER heard of it or treated it. Props to all of you in the medical fields. Then of course there are some other ailments that I may have heard of, but never really thought of having to be the one to administer the treatment to a CHILD. Parenting is not for the weak ya’ll!
In case you are living in the newborn days and have yet to experience some of these health horrors, I’ll break a few down for you that I’ve found out about recently.
I remember getting lice in elementary school and it being annoying. But now on the OTHER side of it I realize how much MORE annoying it is for the one having use that TEENY TINY comb on a small person less than thrilled to be sitting still. Not to mention inhaling all sorts of smelly chemicals or natural oils and shelling out the dough as you peruse choices at the pharmacy. No one goes to school for this stuff and so the best way of learning is to wing it and through trial and error and youtube videos, figure it out!
Oh I wish lice were the only creepy crawly thing to worry about. Do you know about pinworms? No? Of course not, because no parents wants to tell others their child has worms…that’s something a dog gets! But it’s common and no one is talking about the tiny things that crawl out of anuses at night and lay eggs that require lots of attentive washing so there won’t be lots of unattractive itching.
Put what, where?!
We all have heard about constipation and we all know how to deal with it as adults, but when little babies and kids deal with it, guess who’s in charge of administering suppositories and enemas. Yep, you guessed it, YOU! I’m not going to sugar coat it, you have to put things in your kids butt and then sometimes things come out of their butt pretty shortly after on your hand. And when things get stuck guess who’s gotta manually help, sometimes. YOU!
I’ve got daughters so I have not had to deal with the question of “to circumcise or not circumcise” but I can tell you that I’ve had plenty of friends deal with it and what is supposed to be a common procedure, doesn’t always end up going so smoothly. So yeah you end up having to deal with a very sensitive part on your ever so sensitive newborn who has just been introduced to the world and now his private parts are giving him troubles! Not to mention they are parts that mothers don’t have so it’s already a foreign thing to us!
Oozing and Itching
There are so many skin conditions out there, and God bless the dermatologists who can name them from across a crowded room. You’ve got your rashes that require ointments and creams and sprays, and then who wants to touch anything after you’ve had to slather on the medicine. I just want to boil my hands in some bleach lest I spread it to the whole family! Eczema patches all over, impetigo on the face, ringworm from sports, athlete’s foot fungus, and weird (yet common) viruses like molluscum that can hang around for OVER A YEAR! And just when things are normalizing well then puberty starts and you get to teach your kids about acne. It’s a wonder anyone’s skin doesn’t have something wrong with it all the time considering how many things COULD be on it!
So there, I’ve broken down some of the grosser health issues I have been exposed to by one way or another, and I hope you will at least not feel alone when you are up against one or more of these! They simply don’t give you these brochures when you leave the hospital with your newborn and they should…or maybe not, because you might just realize you are in over your head and have no idea what you are doing like the rest of us!
(Please note that this was a satirical post and I am very thankful I live in a country where I am grateful for the healthcare provided so these conditions are not serious for my children or those I love. Of course I would pick lice, administer ointments, and stick suppositories where the sun doesn’t shine if that’s what I gotta do! But we can all laugh about these things together so we don’t cry right?!)