This post is part of our True Life series where OKC moms are sharing real trials & tribulations they have gone through as mothers, as wives, and as women.
There’s no instruction manual on how to go through infidelity. When it happens – it completely rocks your world.
I knew that something wasn’t right in my marriage and I couldn’t for the life of me figure out what it was. I remember crying out to God in the middle of the night to reveal to me what was going on – I was just at a loss and needed answers.
But I never had to snoop around. I never checked his phone or his e-mails. I never hired a private detective.
It all just fell in my lap.
There were times that I went through the motions of confronting my husband and was always left with a lie that, at the time, I trusted was the truth.
And then he finally told me the whole truth.
I already knew bits and pieces, but I hadn’t heard it yet from him. I felt numb, confused, hurt, devastated, insecure, crazy, and emotionally unstable. I couldn’t catch my breath. And did I mention that I felt crazy? I was leaning over the sink in the kitchen trying to breathe as my husband and I talked through everything. That day changed our lives – as a couple, as a family, and as people.
I’ll be honest – for a long time after that talk in the kitchen, I prayed for God to release His hand off my marriage so I could just walk away from the hurt in my heart that had taken over my life. I knew it would be much easier to be out of my marriage than to work to get through it.
But there was so much more to it than that.
What I didn’t know:
- Would my marriage survive?
- Could I get through this?
- Could I trust again?
- Would the hurt go away?
What I knew for sure:
- I was hurt and in disbelief.
- I had to heal – with or without my husband & marriage
- I couldn’t go through this journey alone.
- I had to put a plan in action.
- No matter what, I wanted for each of us to be spiritually sound and emotionally healthy.
Women often say to me, “Why did you stay?” or, “I’d never stay after someone hurt me like that” or, “Women who stay are weak and insecure, I can’t believe you forgave him”.
If these are your thoughts, I want you to know something:
I wanted to leave. I wanted to leave and never come back.
But it’s a lot easier said than done. I knew leaving didn’t line up with what God was calling me to do. I held fast to my belief that God would use our marriage, and this difficult part of our marriage, for good.We are now in our third year of restoration and reconciliation in our marriage. We have gone through this together with dedication, commitment, counseling, prayer, support, and in-depth work on ourselves as individuals.
It is possible to get through infidelity.
But only if both parties work hard at it together. Both parties have to choose to do the work as a couple, and as individuals. It. Is. Not. Easy. But there are three things that helped me get through:
1. Choose your support system wisely
You cannot go through this alone. Be very selective about who you allow into this journey with you. Choose people who will not judge your spouse or yourself or any decisions that you make. My support allowed me to text them the obscene things I wanted to say to the other women, they prayed for me, they were a light in my life. I did not tell my side of the family – I knew that even if I forgave my husband, they may not reach a place of forgiveness and that would not be okay in the long run.
2. Seek God – Not the World
Whether or not you are a Christian, seeking God was my greatest healer in this journey. I fully relied on my faith and I cannot express enough how instrumental the Lord is and was in this journey to be restored. It is only by the love of God that I could extend grace and forgiveness, because I was receiving it myself from Him. There is no doubt in my mind that if my husband and I didn’t first seek God we would NOT be together today.
3. Grieve. Then Keep Moving Forward.
It’s okay to cry and allow triggers to break you, but it’s not okay to stay there. You lost a marriage that you once knew and the man you fell in love with. But as with any loss, you can mourn your whole life and be miserable, or you can move forward and start getting healthy.