8 weeks ago, just before my daughter’s third birthday, we found out we were expecting baby #2. We are SO excited to meet this new little one, and thrilled to be able to give my daughter a sibling. Unfortunately, like many women, pregnancy takes a huge physical toll on my body. Throughout my last pregnancy, I suffered through severe, constant, all day morning sickness from weeks 5-40+. I managed it with fluids and medication, but nothing was a cure all. Since that time, I became a natural childbirth educator, and learned as much as possible about natural alternatives for staying healthy and comfortable in pregnancy. I made up my mind that, not only would I have a nausea/vomiting free pregnancy, but I would do it without needing medicine. I had convinced myself, and that was that.
Imagine my surprise when everything failed. In my mind, it wasn’t just a failure on the part of ginger, essential oils and vitamin B6- I was failing. I was failing to nurture the baby growing inside me, and I was failing to parent my daughter. The sicker I began to feel, the less I played. Instead of playing outside with my daughter, I set up camp looking out from the porch to where she played and just tried not to move. Instead of talking to her about letters, numbers and colors- I let PBS do my job- like all day. Through it all, she was so sweet to me, it hurt. She brought me peppermints as I came out of the bathroom, and told me I would feel better. She laid with me on the couch, completely content to watch yet another episode of Daniel Tiger. I couldn’t help but think about how much more she deserved from me, and how I wasn’t enough. Mommy guilt at its finest.
By the 7th week of pregnancy, I was unable to be upright without throwing up or dry heaving. I couldn’t handle food. I couldn’t complete a trip to the grocery store. I stopped cooking “real meals”. My house? It was a disaster area. When my husband was home from his 12 hour shift, he became the active parent, cook and maid.
I had made it a personal goal to avoid medication until at least the 10th week when most of my baby’s organs were developed, and at 10 weeks and 1 day, I folded. I hadn’t kept down any food or liquid in days. My husband took me to our closest urgent care where they sent me to the ER. I had a fever, my heart was racing, and I was completely dehydrated. It wasn’t until we left urgent care that I realized how little of a grasp on reality I had. I had been telling myself I was managing without medication, but I wasn’t. That day, I received 2 liters of saline, and for the first time in weeks, I was able to drink a whole glass of water. I started taking a small dose of medication, and after that day, I could eat. I could walk and play with my daughter without being overcome with nausea. I was still sick, but it was, once again, manageable. Two days later, I took my daughter to the zoo with friends. She told me a gut-wrenching amount of times how happy she was to be out of the house, and how much fun she was having with me.
This pregnancy hasn’t gone as planned. I have felt like I wasn’t enough. It has humbled me, and made me more compassionate toward other mamas. Through it all, my daughter knows she is loved, and she is excited about a new baby. My husband has a deeper understanding of my role, and I have a greater appreciation for him. The best part is, I know that the struggles we have endured can’t compare to the joy this new life will bring. In my heart, I know that even when I was at my worst- I was giving them my best, and that has to be enough.
As moms, it’s so important that we be gentle with ourselves. We have to retire our super hero capes every once in a while, and we have to be okay with it. We have to accept help. We need to know that the best laid plans may very well go up in smoke, but that changing our plans isn’t a sign of defeat- it’s a sign of perseverance.
Oh Becky! I’m so sorry you’re not feeling well. It’s such a hard balance (especially in pregnancy) to take care of YOU when all you care to take care of are your babies! Fingers crossed you turn a corner soon.
Thanks Kelly! It’s the best reason in the world to be sick, but it can be really hard! Thankfully, my body has responded really well to medicine, and I’m feeling much better! I know some mamas aren’t as lucky.