Confessions of a Professional Sarcastic Mom Part 3 – KIDS

unnamed (7)Thank you for following this series, but as all good things must come to an end, this is the last part of this series. I hope you have laughed a little, related to a few things, and have taken a moment to not take life or yourself so seriously. Life is really short, and the more we can stop for a hot minute and laugh at what is happening the better off we will be at that moment.

Wait … let’s back up real quick, for those of you that haven’t read Part 1 and Part 2, here’s my disclaimer before we get started.

Disclaimer: My sarcasm meter doesn’t EVER come from a place of hate, a judgmental mind set, evil, or insecurity. It comes from a place of humor, love, joy, peace, and taking life’s situations and the things we say and do and making it light-hearted. We all need to laugh more in life because it’s precious and short.

Kids! Kids! Kids! Where shall we begin? I cannot wait to hear your thoughts and comments on kids. I never realized what my mom went through with me until I had two kids of my own. We were given these human beings without any instruction manual for their personality, much less any instruction manual of how to be a mom. I remember getting frustrated and then looking at my daughter or son and busting out in laughter because I couldn’t believe I was freaking out about the fact that one of them was taking a while in getting their darn shoe on – I could’ve watched an entire episode of Ellen in the amount of time they put on one shoe. Can I get an “amen” to that?

unnamed (2)Confession #1: Kids get away with just about anything because they’re kids. It’s not fair.

My son was 5 and we were at a community swimming pool. He got out of the pool with his cute little Buddha belly and swim trunks and walked right up to an older gentlemen and said, “Mister, you should not smoke because it will give you cancer and kill you. Stop smoking please, thank you sir.” He then proceeded to walk away and got back in the pool. I sat there, mouth dropped open, and didn’t claim him as my kid but thought, “Man, we all think that but wouldn’t have the guts to say it.”

I’m telling you, kids pretty much can get away with anything. Kids can walk through grocery stores backwards and look like they are completely drunk but it’s totally socially acceptable because they are kids. Kids can walk into a store with fake plastic high heel shoes, a costume from 2 Halloweens ago, messy hair from rolling out of bed, dried jelly crusty goo in the corner of their mouth, and people think they are the cutest, most fun little being ever. UMM … hold up one hot minute! If I walked into a store like that, someone would call the mental hospital, or I’d become a viral sensation on the internet. I’m telling you, they get away with anything simply because they are kids. Fair? Not really. Funny? Yes!

Confession #2: Kids are allowed to use their hands for utensils.unnamed (3).
What in the world? How is it that kids get to pick up spaghetti with their hands and it’s cute? What if we did that at an Italian restaurant? What if we dipped our hands into our wine glass, grabbed our bread and then dipped it into someone else’s bowl of soup, then grabbed our spaghetti and smeared it all over our faces trying to get it into our mouth to eat? When kids do that it’s kinda funny and cute, but if we did that we would be considered plain ol’ outside our mind. Kids consider their hands as their utensils. Kids can make a huge mess all over the table, themselves, and the floor of the place they are eating and when people see them they think they are the cutest little human being ever. What if you saw me doing the same thing? It’d be funny, but you sure wouldn’t see me as cute. I love the whole process of them learning and watching the journey.

Confession #3: Kids and Tantrums. Enough said.

unnamedOh my word … when a kid has had enough, they are done. Not a little bit done, but absolutely positively done! They can go from happy happy joy joy to ain’t nobody got time for dat’ mode in their mood within 60 seconds. It stinks when you are the parent on the other end and you have to deal with it in public but it’s a little bit funny when you’re at home and it happens and you start to act like them. They have no idea what to do with you when you act like them during a tantrum. You should try it and watch their face. My experience has been that they are completely blown away and don’t know what to do and then they actually start laughing, those little boogers.

If you laughed at them during their meltdown, they cry even more and get even angrier about it (I confess, I’ve laughed during a kid meltdown and they do not like it). I love that viral video of the little girl who is completely tired and having a meltdown on the beach and she says, “I’m going to take a nap.” I feel ya girl, I feel ya. What if you walked into the office, a moms group, or your child’s school and totally did that? Kids and tantrums are totally socially acceptable. They aren’t always fun, but because they are kids it’s acceptable – not so much for adults. I would like to just once have a tantrum and for other women to gather around me and say, “Girl … I got you, I feel ya, let’s go get pedicures and cupcakes.” Oh, and I’d like to be wearing a tutu with combat boots and a fun hat while I have this tantrum. Can my tantrum be about the fact that I wanted an exact pound of turkey from the deli, but instead I got one ounce less than a pound?

Kids – we love them. They are our heart walking around outside of our bodies. Kids – they are the mini version of us, and life is grand with them in it. Ralph Waldo Emerson said this, “A child is a curly dimpled lunatic.” This makes me literally laugh out loud and there is some truth to it, but the adventure of parenting and watching these tiny human beings become adults in our world is a treasure. May you hug and kiss your babies no matter what age they are and tell them you love them, lunatic status and all.

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