This post is part of our True Life series where OKC moms are sharing real trials & tribulations they have gone through as mothers, as wives, and as women.
I’ve spent two months trying to write this post. The words simply won’t come out. Silly right?
So here goes… (deep breath)
Hi, my name is Lindsey, and I can’t have any more children.
There. That wasn’t so hard.
Eleven months and 15 days after the birth of my son, a child we fought cancer to have, cancer took my uterus. For a gal who always wanted childREN, it obviously wasn’t my first choice. It was, however, the right choice.
I’ve spent the last two years telling myself, and anyone around me, that what I went through was no big deal. I mean, it could have been so much worse. I was able to have ONE child, right? So many women don’t ever have that chance, so why should I complain? I didn’t have to go through chemo or radiation, I was the lucky one. I should be grateful, and I am. I count my blessings and thank the good Lord above things didn’t turn out differently.
The reality is I haven’t convinced anyone that it wasn’t a big deal. And, to be COMPLETELY honest, it’s been hard. For just one second, I don’t WANT to be positive. I’ve struggled and shut down when close friends have babies. I’ve even subconsciously (or consciously) felt animosity towards friends who get pregnant “accidentally”. Right or wrong, it’s just how I feel. I want to scream from the mountaintop that this sucks. I want someone to tell me why this happened to ME. I want to stomp my feet and declare over and over that this isn’t FAIR.
The truth is, life isn’t fair and sometimes bad things happen. The worst part is realizing that the bad things CAN happen to you. That realization was perhaps the hardest part. And the bad things are tough for more than just the obvious reasons.
The bad stuff makes people uncomfortable. Everyone WANTS to talk about it, but no one wants to bring it up. I NEED to talk about it, but I’m not sure how to start that conversation either. I mean, you mention the “c” word and default reaction tends to be pity. I’m not a pity kinda gal. So I put on a brave face and try to focus on the good.
The only thing I can truly control is my attitude towards the bad things. I know I’m not alone. There are so many women who aren’t able to have a child for so MANY different reasons.
And that doesn’t make any of us any less of a woman.