I don’t consider myself to be a selfish person. When I was a single 25-year-old? Sure. Now? Not so much. I wasn’t prepared for a lot of the changes in my life that would result from becoming a mom. My friends told me I wouldn’t sleep. My friends told me the diapers would never end. My friends told me babies cry. What no one actually told me? That time would shrink. It would literally start to disappear.
These days I can hardly find the time for self-maintenance, let alone the dishes or the never-ending laundry. With two small kids running around, my needs usually become 2nd, 3rd, or even 4th. I eat leftover chicken nuggets and trip over train tracks. I throw vomit-covered clothes in the laundry and push the “wash” cycle for the 3rd day in a row. I move the clean dishes out of the dishwasher and into the cupboards. I move the dirty dishes into the dishwasher. I move the sippys littering the counter into the sink for a hot soak before placing them out to dry. I go to bed and know this exact same fate awaits me tomorrow. Most days I wake up feeling behind before I have even started.
And I love it-I truly do.
But sometimes I think: Can I just get ONE day?
One day where I’m the last one out of bed.
One day where I drink my coffee hot on the first try.
One day where I’m not racing and yelling for everyone to get in the car because we are late for school.
One day where there aren’t dishes covering every surface in the kitchen.
One day where I stay in bed all day just because.
One day where my hair doesn’t fall out more than the day before.
One day where I don’t see more bags around my eyes.
One day where the laugh lines on my face don’t deepen.
One day to be me.
Not mom. Not wife. Me.
But this is me.
This is the best and happiest version of me.
I am a mommy. I am a wife.
I choose all of the crazy. Everyday. Because I know it is fleeting. I know it is precious. Tomorrow we’ll all wake up and be one day older. Not just them but me too. We are far too aware of our children growing up that we sidestep the fact that we are as well. For every new milestone they hit, we mommies do too.
They say as we age we become more of ourselves. With each passing day I become more of “mommy”. The more I change into mommy-the more I give to my children.
So, today I got out of bed first and made cinnamon rolls because they love them.
Today I reheated my coffee four times because my one-year-old needed to be held.
Today we were a little late for school because my son is potty training.
Today there were dishes on the counter because I made six different meals between two little people.
Today my bed is rarely empty because I have a three-year-old that loves to snuggle.
Today my hair is falling out because I constantly worry about their well being.
Today my eyes have bags because I’ve brought two babies home from the hospital and taught them how to sleep.
Today my laugh lines are deeper because I smile at my children every day.
So, for now I’ll patiently wait for “ONE day”. I hope she takes her time in her arrival. Today is crazy and messy but it’s also perfect. Allow me this life of chaos, dirty dishes, and change. I’ll enjoy the kisses, the snuggles, and the arms around my neck.
And know that ONE day-I’ll wish it all back.