Sex After Kids: 10 True Confessions

I think it’s safe to say that everything seems to get turned a little topsy-turvy when kiddos enter the picture.  This isn’t always a bad thing at all, in fact, I can honestly say that 99 percent of the changes have turned out to be amazing and wonderful.  However, one thing that I never thought would change would be my sex life.  I read all of the jokes about how parents can lose their passion after babies are born, but of course, that would never happen to me, would it?!

To say that my sex life has changed now that I’m a mom with a house full of little kids would be an understatement of the century.

If I could go back in time and tell my honeymoon self about the changes that were to come, I don’t think I would have believed it! Don’t get me wrong, there is still chemistry between my hubby and me. However, it’s a different (more planned out) kind of chemistry.

We spend a lot more nights watching Netflix than we spend getting hot and heavy in the bedroom, and at this stage in my life, I’m honestly okay with that. Changes in the bedroom are normal, and with the changes come hilarious bedroom confessions which I’m sure we can all relate to!

Without further ado, here are 10 bedroom confessions from some of your fellow mamas that live right here in OKC:

Confession #1

We keep condoms in the kitchen. Now don’t get the wrong idea, that is SOLEY because my kids get into everything everywhere. Nothing is sacred. My tampons have all become fascinating toys, much to my dismay. In order to keep from finding awkward balloon animals scattered all over the house, our birth control is stored out of arms reach in a top kitchen cabinet.

Confession #2

Sex is scheduled. Always. If he’s in the mood and starts making advances, I give him the side-eye – ahem it’s not Saturday at 8.

Confession #3

If it so happens to be Saturday at 8 pm, while I’m putting the kids to bed I explain, “Mommy and daddy are cleaning our room tonight, so don’t come in!” One time the next morning they walked into my room and asked, “Why is your room still SO messy?”  I told them, “Why is YOUR room still messy after I tell you to clean it?” Boom.

Confession #4

I’m frequently all touched out. That’s mom code for saying, “Don’t give me that look, and please stay two couch cushions away from me.”

Confession #5

The first time hanky panky happens after birth is not sexy. It’s equal parts terrifying and weird all mixed up with a good amount of awkwardness.  Have no fear though, everything returns to its (new) normal.

Confession #6

Nothing takes “sex” out of “sexy time”  faster than hearing the pitter-patter of little feet making their way down the hallway towards my room. It’s always fun to get interrupted by kids (who I thought were asleep) with questions like, “What are you guys doing?” or “Are you okay in there?” It makes me look forward to the night they spend at their grandparent’s house. However, when that night comes I always end up being so tired that I fall asleep without even having time to think about being in the mood.

Confession #7

Breastfeeding boobies = lookie no touchie. Enough said.

Confession #8

When family or friends find out that we bedshare, they feel they have the freedom to ask where we have sex. After an obscenely long amount of awkward silence, my reply is, “Uhm…nunya business.” The honest answer is: anywhere but the bed.

Confession #9

When I open a bottle of wine, my husband knows that’s code for “meet me in the bedroom”.

Confession #10

If Mama’s taking a long shower before bed, that means she’s shaving which therefore means she’s “open for business” (very sexy and romantic terminology, huh?)!

Can you relate to any of these confessions? What would you add to the list?